Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Hilary & Suzy', USA

About Suzy

Suzy "Snappy Stretchy Stripes" Headrick

The most beautiful grey tabby in the world with gorgeous green eyes.

When did you lose Suzy?

I lost my bear on July 3, 2009.

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

I am at the beginning stages of grief. My chest caves whenever I think of her and that awful day. My heart trips a beat when I put my key in the door, expecting to see her come bounding around the corner..... I sleep with the blanket I had as a baby, that she quickly took over. It was the blanket she was wrapped in when I held her in my arms as she passed. I can't wash it.... her bladder released at her moment of passing and the scent of her urine is fading so quickly, but I can't wash it. I can't bear to have that smell gone, because it's HER.

Hilary and Suzy's Story so far

Suzy was a stray cat. I found her over ten years ago in my friends apartment complex. It took two weeks to catch her and when I finally did, I brought her home and she immediately ran behind the sofa. I knew she was covered in fleas, so I got her out and took her to the tub and washed her.... she just sat there so calm and still, like she knew what I was doing for her... I wrapped her in a towel and she fell asleep in my arms.. That's how I knew that not only did I just gain a "cat", I gained a companion.

Over the next year I brought Sybil into the household, I was working so many hours that I felt that Suzy needed a companion... Needless to say, it was an extremely rocky road for a long time... by the time we all settled in together, there was a mutual understanding between Suzy and Sybil. Suzy would look at her and Sybil would knock off whatever she was trying to do... Suzy was always feline leukemia positive, so I knew that this would one day be the cause of her demise.

She started sneezing in late April. I took her to the vet on May 14, 2009 and she weighed 9.5lbs. We thought it was an upper respiratory infection and she was treated for a week with an antibiotic... everything seemed fine,then about a week later she started sneezing again, and her third eyelid was becoming prominent... got another week of antibiotic and she took it for a day then stopped. Ended up at the emergency vet who told me that she probably needed to have her mouth looked at... I immediately took her in, they kept her overnight, and the next day called to tell me I would need to take her to a specialist vet because she had three broken teeth with the root tips exposed. So off we went.

She had the surgery on June 18, 2009. I brought her home the next day and she was completely normal. Her eye looked perfect, she ate like a pig, played like a kitten and I was so relieved. I had to give her a pretty hefty dose of an oral antibiotic for 30 days... the mixing in tuna worked for a bit, then that stopped, so I had the vet reformulate the medicine into treats... she ate that for a day then stopped, and in the meantime, her third eyelid began to show again... I knew in my heart that the minute I saw that reappearance, that something was deeply, deeply wrong... But I continued with the medicine...It got to the point where I would have to force it down her throat.

On July 2, 2009 I decided (before I got home from work) that I was going to stop the oral antibiotic for a few days because she was really lethargic and not eating... I was so happy to go home that night and know that I wouldn't have to give her that nasty medicine, but when I walked in the door and saw her condition, I knew I was in trouble. She was so weak, she would take a few steps and then just stop. I hand fed her as much as she would take and gave her water in a syringe, but knew I was out of my league, so back to the Emergency Vet. He told me that she had a mass growing behind her eye, and even with a CAT scan/MRI, that the area that this was located would not be accessible. He gave her sub-q fluids and a pain shot. He gave me pain medicine to get me through the holiday weekend.... I got her home and kept her on my chest for most of the night.

When I woke up on Friday, I looked over at her, and she had deteriorated even further. I knew then what was next, but I still tried to feed her. I put her food in front of her and she looked at it, looked at me, sighed, and then turned her back. I made the appointment for 9:15 in the morning. I gave her a dose of pain medication and wrapped her in her blanket and took her to the vet, telling her all the way how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. It was the hardest decision to make, and I hate having to have made it, but it killed me to know that she had been in so much pain. I could no longer allow her to suffer. I almost just kept her over the weekend, thinking that somehow she would "rebound". But even with those thoughts I knew it wasn't going to be.

The sobs of grief at her passing are so intense. I see her picture at home and I want to grab it and feel her, but I know that's not going to happen. I know she's gone and my loss is this aching chasm of grief that knows no depth. Sybil knows that she's gone. As much as Suzy wanted Sybil to stay away, Sybil loved her too. We're both grieving and I don't know how to help her in the midst of my own pain. I miss Suzy. I pickup her ashes on Monday, July 13, 2009. She'll finally be coming home. Forever. I miss my bear. I miss her so intensely.

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