Your Pet Loss Diaries

July 27, 2009

by Hilary

Sybil had her vet visit on Saturday. Three weeks after Suzy died. I was so sure that she was going to test positive for FeLV that I couldn't stand it... I hardly concentrated all week, didn't sleep the night before, and so the big day came, and she's NEGATIVE!! I was so relieved I cried.... I truly felt that Suzy was looking out for her from the other side and making sure that I wouldn't have to go through the same situation.

It was such a relief... I didn't realize that through all of this how much I was carrying... the burden is immense, and I finally put it down for a day... I slept all day Saturday because I was just so relieved and so very thankful, that I think my body just said enough.

I came home and cried looking at Suzy's picture... wishing that maybe, just maybe, if I hadn't let the vaccinations lapse for a few years that she would have been okay.... there's still an enormous amount of guilt associated with this whole thing...

I'm getting more and more used to not having Suzy around, but my god it hurts so bad... it hurts when I think of it, so I really try and not think of it, but it's pretty much impossible to not think of Suzy on a daily basis. I wear her necklace with the ashes inside, and it does bring comfort....

I've started a journal.. I've pasted all my sympathy cards, my quotes that I've printed, and for once I think I'll keep up this journal. I would talk to Suzy so much when I got home, it's difficult to not be able to do that anymore.... So I write to her instead....

A picture of my chunky monkey (who dodged a bullet with the FeLv) is attached this time....