Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

About Sugar

My kitty's name is Sugar, she was a white domestic shorthair kitty, who I found while living in Los Angeles in 1999.

When did you lose Sugar?

I am sad to write that I had to end Sugar's life today, she suffered form chronic renal failure and she passed today at 17 years old.

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

My grief level is brand-spanking new :(

Jennifer and Sugar's Story so far

I was living out in Los Angeles at the age of 29. While at work, my supervisor came in to tell me there was a couple in the parking lot giving away their pets. They were separating, and they had come to their favorite store to let go of all of their pets. My boss came to say that she thought I should go out and check a certain kitty out. I did, and ended up taking Sugar home.

A few weeks later, I discovered I had journalled that a month previous I wrote that I dreamt one night of a white cat giving me unconditional love. I knew our connection was definitely meant to be.

I suffered from crippling anxiety and depression in LA, and for many months, really the only thing keeping me going was her. If it weren't for her in my life at the time, I wouldn't have made it. I really would have given up my life completely. I was close at one time.

Several months passed, and I needed to move back home to Maryland. I brought Sugar back home with me, and stayed with my parents until I got back on my feet again. Sugar burrowed her way into my parents' hearts just as she had done mine. They could see that this little being was the sweetest little baby and my stepdad even had his own nicknames for her.

She and I found a place to live, a nice one, with plenty of perches for her, windows facing the East so she could soak up the morning sun.

Life with her in my life and in this apartment has really been bliss, and she opened up my heart so much that on my absolute worst days, when I didn't have the where-with-all to love anybody else, I knew I could always go to her and feel whole again. She is that special to me.

I sometimes even thought I was a 'bad mom' when I felt careless, or I would stay away from home a little too long, even when my folks would be able to come stay with her or check on her. She always was so patient, and sweet, and energetic.

I loved how her fur smelled when I kissed her. I loved the sound of her purring, which it seemed like she was always doing, when I was with her, holding her, rubbing her soft furry belly, or throwing around her toys to chase around the house.

But she developed chronic renal failure the past 18 months or so, but was officially diagnosed at the start of this year, 2011. I think this disease has been a slow one, but I do remember her suffering, slowly at first. It's just really clear now when she started to be depressed. I thought she just needed another companion...

The past 6 weeks I have been giving her subQ fluids, but, the past week, she went totally downhill.

All the upsetting symptoms of CRF were there, and she had gotten worse, so last night, I made the final decision to let her go. I just couldn't stand for both of us suffering anymore.

This little creature has been The angel I've needed and wanted, but today was the most heartbreaking part of the whole journey we have taken in 12 years.

Today feels empty without her, and the loss is unbearable. I have her photo on my mantel, and incense burning. Letting her pass today at the vet with her in my arms was definitely the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and I've had many, believe me!

But I said to my Mother, who was with us all day, that it seems Sugar was on loan from God, she fulfilled her duties, opened my heart, loved me unconditionally, and she became old, and very ill, and now it was time to send her Home.

And that is what is the hardest thing of all to accept. She WAS Home, with me, dammit!

But, we really have no control over these things, and that's what makes Life so precious.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm praying the pain gets easier, and her presence remains.

Click here to start reading this Pet Loss Diary

Click here to see all entries from this Pet Loss Diary