Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Brian & Buddy', USA

About Buddy

Sammy was his legit name but I always just called him Buddy.

When did you lose Buddy?

Today, Thursday February 12, 2009.

At which stage of pet loss grief do you currently feel you are at?

I'm actually doing better with it than I expected but don't know that this empty feeling will ever go away but that's OK too.

Brian and Buddy's Story so far

Lost Sammy "Buddy" today.

Sammy was his legit name but I just called him "Buddy" and I doubt that he ever minded. Buddy was a great rescue cat, a great companion and a great "buddy". Got him and his brother, Mickey, in the late 90's. His love will never be replaced. He liked to climb in my lap as I sat in my chair to watch the tube. He would position himself so I could perform his and my favorite ritual - me gently stroking and rubbing the tops of his front paws. Something my other "buddy" Mickey would never stand for as he has his own favorite and different touches. I think most cats are sensitive about their paws but not Buddy.

In between stroking his paws I would rub his chest and then lightly stroke the top of his nose between his big beautiful eyes with the back of my fingers. He would lovingly nudge my hand in approval. I would reach over and hit mute on the TV remote just so I could hear him purrrrrrr. :)

Buddy was an avid eater. A habit that I'm sure contributed to his eventual demise and one for which I'll always hold myself somewhat responsible. I'm not good at saying no, especially to those big beautiful golden brown eyes. Always on the heavy side but never grossly obese, he developed diabetes a couple of years ago. He did well in spite of this condition and never lost his huge appetite until a few weeks ago when he suddenly developed liver failure.

Many trips to the vets (2 different ones), syringe feeding, iv drip injections 2-3 times a day, pills and still he didn't complain much - just the pills which he hated and towards the last the force feeding but then who wouldn't. After one recent feeding and drip I placed Buddy on the couch, sat next to him and stroked his paws and his nose and I could hear him purr. :) He placed his weak head on my hand and for a few moments we enjoyed the love and peace.

A trip to the hospital yesterday and the doctor inserted a feeding tube so I wouldn't have to syringe feed him or force pills down him, which was becoming very difficult. Intensive care with liquids yesterday and the doctor called late afternoon to say that Buddy appeared to be doing quite well and she would update me tomorrow (today). I got the call from the doctor early this morning that although he seemed to be doing well yesterday, he had taken a turn for the worse overnight and was nearly comatose this morning. I rushed to the hospital - quite a number of miles away - praying that he would survive until I got there to say good-bye. He did.

Another ultra sound had showed that he had developed an aggressive carcinoma type of liver cancer. As I looked at him lying motionless, the decision was obvious but so painful none the less. I asked for a minute alone. While alone with him I stroked his paws and his nose between those big beautiful eyes. I whispered how much I loved him. He blinked his eyes and tried to lift his head but I just held him still, told him how much I loved him and that I had to let him go. I put my face to his and yes I kissed him, more than once.

My office faces my backyard and I have a screened lanai off the back of the house. Although both my cats were strictly inside cats, they have access via a cat door to the screened lanai on the back of the house. My other buddy Mickey loves sleeping with me at the foot of the bed but Sammy "Buddy" always preferred sleeping out on the lanai, temperature permitting. Here in Florida that was most of the time. So I buried Buddy in the back yard in a spot not far from his favored lanai and where I can see him from my office window.

I'm sure the pain will subside over time but right now I feel like I'm not even here and would rather be with him. Sort of the way I felt when I lost my Mom and my Dad. And when I lost a best friend last year. I feel like there's another hole in my heart, one which won't ever be closed. Some will never feel this way towards an "animal" but then they'll never know the love and happiness of having a "Buddy". No regrets and I wait to see you again someday Buddy, those soft white paws and that cute nose between those beautiful big eyes just waiting for stroking. Bye for now, Buddy.

Love always, your buddy Brian.

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