Your Pet Tributes

by Donna H
(West Palm Beach, Fl.)

Czar, my beautiful black chow chow, came to me at 3 months old in February of 1995 and passed from this life on May 21, 2010. He gave me so much love and joy during our time together.

I feel that I let him down in the last months of his life as he was unable to walk for at least the last 6 months. He had seizures from taking medication (remidyl) and just stopped walking eventually. I would carry him outdoors for his business and had to help position him. He would always let me know when he needed to go (unwilling to go in the house).

I gave him massages and exercised his legs but he eventually lost all of his muscles. He continued to lose weight and I tried many different diets and home cooked meals. I took him to four different vets seeking help and he was given adequan and muscle building meds with no success.

My Czar became more and more wakeful at night and I went for many months with very little sleep. I felt like I was going out of my mind at one point. Even after I would take him to potty and give him water, he would still whine and then bark incessantly if I ignored him. I would give him doggy valium but he would still awaken. (The vet refused to give him pain meds so I gave him aspirin or soma).

I tried putting him in bed with me to comfort him and sometimes he would sleep for a while. He slept mostly during the daytime but I could not sleep then. After days with little sleep I became abusive & started yelling at him and even hitting him. I would be remorseful the next day after I would lose patience with him. I'd cry and try to make it up to him with kindness and beg for his forgiveness. I could see I was crushing his spirit and prayed for God to take him but He didn't.

On Wednesday, May 19th, I pampered him with a bath & brushing, nail trim, mouth cleaning, and massage and put him down to sleep on my bed. He looked so peaceful as he slept. On the 20th I took him back to his former vet who said I needed to think about putting him down but I could not make that decision. He actually slept that night with the doggy valium.

On the 21st I noticed brown secretions coming from an ulcer I had found in his mouth. I took him in to his new vet and she said he was in bad shape and asked if I was ready to let him go. I really didn't want to but I knew in my heart he was no longer enjoying his life. It was a surreal moment as if someone else was answering yes and as I held him, sobbing, they injected him and he passed from this life in my arms. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I still second guess myself and feel like I could have treated him better.

I buried him in my back yard the following day in a casket my neighbor made for him. Two of my friends came and we had a service and I placed roses and a little headstone on his grave.

It is July and I'm still grieving. I cry every day and feel so guilty that I was mean to him at times and wonder if I could have done something more to help him. I pray and ask for forgiveness daily but I don't know if I will ever feel, or even deserve to be forgiven. Czar was the sweetest, most faithful dog anyone could ever have. I am heartbroken and though I tried to make it up to him in the last weeks/days of his life with extra love and attention I wonder if he was reassured. I only hope and pray he knew how much I loved him....

My Czar, you are with God who gives a soul to every living thing and now holds yours (Job 12:10).

.....Forever in my heart.