Your Pet Loss Stories

by Natalia
(Panama)

My baby girl was born seven years ago on August 23, and passed away last night, March 10. And I loved her every minute, every hour, every day. She was a mix of Shihtzu, and absolutely the most beautiful puppy I'd ever seen. She came into my life after a loss of another childhood pet, and in the midst of my parent's separation. She was my little angel.

Toto, as I called her sometimes (she would really go by any name I gave her), slept on the corner of my bed every night. And would silently climb off when she thought I was asleep, and would wake me up in the morning or just lay asleep beside me after her breakfast on the weekends. When I showered she'd wait inside the bathroom, as would she anytime I entered the bathroom. I constantly teased her about thinking a monster would pop out of the toilet. Then she'd walk with me through all of my morning routine, when I was in high school, college and recently. She would walk around as many times as I would, and sometimes I'd sit her up in the bed so she didn't have to walk around so much, or would sit down on the floor and play with her (and be late).

She was my doll faced baby. In seven years never did I get bored of her, I always thought this should be how a parent feels with their child.. forever loving and caring. Everyday was a new day with her, and stuff she usually did was more surprising than the day before. Just like if she were my child. When I went away to the beach or so on the weekends, I was always in a rush to come see her, because I knew she needed me the most.

When I took long on the street or away in trips, my Mom would put her on the phone or tell her I was coming and she'd light up instantly. She was usually asleep around the house when I wasn't here, and when I came she'd wait for me at the front door or on the steps. When Mom opened the door, she'd be downstairs. Like a week ago, she escaped and was waiting for me down stairs in the middle of our garage, she was so beautiful it was heart melting. So happy always, reaching home was a party everytime, every day.. for seven years.

She loved cuddling and being next to me, she always needed like human contact. She was always there. But a couple years back she got a tick disease, which me attacked. But the lack of appetite remained, she ate sometimes. She was always very picky about food, she sniffed stuff and decided what to eat (and no, she didn't like kibble).

This year, she was rather weak. But nothing so big as to capture full atention, she just seemed tired. I was very sick from my eyes, and then I got a new job, so I wasn't around all day. But I made it up, we watched movies till late together, and my Mom cared for her all day.

About 15 days ago, she refused to eat.. she ate just a bite. We thought she'd come back around soon. A few days later I adopted a friends puppy, and brought her home. Tinkerbell didn't like this, she had always been queen bee, but I tried my best to make them be friends. My Mom took care of the puppy, she fell in love with her.. I remained loyal to Tinkerbell, specially because I knew she'd be jealous. Everything was the same as usual between us.

Monday we had to start giving her drops of liquid, because she wanted nothing. We mashed food up and gave her, she was reluctant. She started smelling a little bad, so we gave her a bath on Tuesday. Wednesday I got a call from my Mom at work saying she was really very sick and throwing up, I went to get her some medicine. The doctor would stop by to take her to the vet on Thursday, but when I came home Wednesday she didn't greet me. She had been slow on the morning, but we were together as always. Something was wrong.

I grabbed a cab with my Mom and left to the vet with her. We hospitalized her, she had diarrea. The vet gave her some shots and she started walking around. He was going to take her home to monitor her, and next morning would do all the tests. It was all going to be great. Next morning I called him like crazy, I was so worried. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so tired at work.

In the afternoon he said he was waiting for results, but things were looking good, she wasn't as bad. Possible kidney failures though, she hadn't peed. She peed plenty at home, so it made no sense. After work I called him, still waiting for results. She'd have to stay with him to monitor, to be sure. He called at night, or I called him, I don't recall, he said possible kidney failure. She had an IV for a long time and no pee. I asked if dogs could die from that, he said if it were acute. Then the phone went dead, and was off all night. I knew something was wrong.

I cried my eyes out and screamed my lungs out. I got few hours of sleep. My Mom would pick her up early, at 7 am. I left for work and my Mom right behing me. I called her when I reached work, she was crying. I knew. Today. I ran out of my office and went for her, it was eternity. I cried all the way, and when they took me to see her.. her eyes were open. I thought she was alive and it was some cruel joke. When she didn't see me I could tell. I couldn't come close, I collapsed. They gave her in a box and we left to the cremation. They accepted her, but she has to stay in the morgue. I couldn't bare to see my baby like that. I guess I'm as coward as they come, but I just couldn't. It was too much for me. The last time I saw her I kissed her goodbye at the vet, and walked away looking at her.. when we left her there.

The vet said she cried and had depression. That's caused by the kidney failure, but what if it wasn't. She was waiting for me to come. I thought I had left her to get better, to get cured. I was coming for her. I would never leave her. She died. Thursday night. No one told me. No one ever told me she was worse, actually I was told she was better. She was going to get better. My baby died without me. I don't know how to ask for forgiveness.

For seven years I loved her like my child, and the day she died I wasn't there to hold her. She must have been scared, lonely. I wasn't there. She loved me so bad and I just left her. I thought I was going to help her, leaving her there to be saved. We get her ashes on Monday.

I loved you always, no matter what. You were there, whenever I needed you. Many people will never understand, but if you had been my human child I couldn't have loved you more than I do. People say you were sick and will feel better wherever you are, I know different. Wherever you are, I know you're worried about me. Just like I am about you.

Tinkerbell.
Forever and always.