Your Pet Loss Stories

by Samantha
(St Louis, Mo)

Last year around this time I had to put my dog Sable to sleep, a Shepherd/Rot mix. I got her as a puppy when I was 5 years old, she would have turned 17 this September. I even thought about her even now I have her old name tag in my pocket. I found it after my mother called me up saying that it was time to put the last dog of Sable's litter down. I found the tag and I just cried, it's like she was telling me it was okay and that it needed to happen.

Like Sable, Starlight is having hip problems and is going blind and deaf, it's the Shepherd in them. The vet said Starlight is 15 pretty old for a Lab/Shepherd/Rot mix.. but Sable lived a lot longer than most of her breed too.

I am typing this the morning before I am going to say my goodbyes to Starlight. I am spending the whole day with her and the night. Already I am tired and sick but she is our dog and I can't think of how she is the last part of my dog Sable. My girl will be full out of my world and can't stop it, I can't make Starlight suffer for my own selfishness but my heart hurts so bad. All I can do is cry and sob.

But come Friday when we go to the vet I will do what I did before, I will stand strong. I will hold Starlight and pick her up and put her on the table. I won't have my brother or mom or dad do it. I did it for Sable I suppose I felt in a way that if my dog would blame anyone she would blame me for this, blame me for the needle in her and the heavy slumber that takes her. I will be her villain but if Starlight gives me that look like Sable did, I may break down in the vet. That look saying 'thank you the pain is gone, I feel so much better.'

All I could tell myself though is you're a murderer, you killed your dog, you let them kill her. I am in pieces about it I guess. I live the best times of my sad life with these dogs and now they are leaving me and I just want to hold them and say 'No you can't go not yet I still need you' and I do,what am I going to do without them?

I try to pacify my mind saying that Starlight's going to be with her sister and her mom and all the other puppies of the litter that await her but really I know she missed Sable after we put her mom down and came home, she paced and whined and howled and searched. You could tell she was looking for her, she even jumped the fence to see if Sable was on the front porch. She had been depressed ever since.

I am rambling and repeating myself I think. I just want to get the pain out so I can be strong. I have to be strong for two days or well a day and a half I guess....