Your Pet Loss Diaries

Oct 30, 2009

by Joseph
(Waldorf)

It has now been one year since the day you had to leave. I wish I could say there has been one good day since, but that would be untrue.

Simon is doing well. He has his days where he is listless, but as always, he springs back into life with a fury. Tonight he was hanging out in the tree in the front yard for a while, and a few minutes later he was on the top of Andrew's car. He misses you, Sug--I can see it in his eyes. I hope he sees you in his dreams, as I have five times since last October 29th.

The dreams have been very telling. In the first, I sensed your confusion in your new place, that some of the physical pain you felt in this life was still with you. In the second, I had found you again, just under a table in one of your many sleeping spots around the townhouse. I'm remembering thinking in the dream: Why, there you are! I've been looking all over for you! In the third, you were under a tower, and you let me scratch your tummy for what seemed like forever, and then you gave me this ... feeling ... that you were okay, more than okay, that you were good again, and then you ascended the tower. I could not follow--not then--but I knew I could someday, when I was worthy enough.

I keep your cremation in my writing room, so that I will think of you often. I don't need a reminder, but that something physical of you, even so small, is larger than I can describe. Sometimes when I think of you now, I can only smile. The times you used to come up to the bathroom when I was cleaning the toilet, how fascinated you were by it. The naps you took on the bed, those long naps with your back stretched into tomorrow; I tell you, bud, you were the picture of peace on that bed.

All those times you came into the computer room to see what I was doing, and then laid down beside my feet on the chair cushion. You loved that thing. You loved just the plain old floor, too. I think about the times you brought strange insects inside and played with them. Sometimes baby frogs. I even think about how you used to lay on the ground and pull pieces of food from your tray. You got so big so fast, buddy! When I first adopted you, you were so thin. How you grew ;- ) How you helped me grow.

And when I think about these things, I can only smile. My life is difficult right now, but these memories do bring bits and pieces of happiness into all that blackness. I miss you so much, but I accept that there is nothing I can do ... nothing but carry these memories--these good memories--of you with me. And that is a lot.

I will see you again in my dreams, a thousand dreams, but until then, after then, rest easy my little man, and play hard. Above all, be happy and free and at peace in your heart. And I will carry you in my memories until we can be together again.

Joe