Your Pet Loss Diaries

by Jean
(Marina Del Rey, CA )

It's been six days since Naya's passing. I have found myself staring at her "places". She had a kitty bed atop the dryer and also on a high table in the living room. When we'd all settle down to watch television. The dogs would lay on the couch with my husband and me and Naya would take her place on top of the recliner. We all had our spots and it's hard not to see her in hers.

I have read stories of people who have "felt" the presence of their beloved pets or have even "seen" them. I guess I'm in that bargaining stage because I've been begging for a sign that she's ok. Depression and exhaustion has set in. Yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed.

Fortunately, I have a very supportive loving husband who gently urged me to get up and get moving. He was right. I tried to be productive although I did end up falling asleep again later in the day. Grieving is strenous and I realize the toll it's taking. But I also know this is a journey I need to take at my own pace.

I am surprised to say that I have forgiven my dogs. I thought it would be months, or never, but I have realized that to blame dogs for being dogs is highly cruel and illogical. I know the fault lies with me and if I want to be angry, I can be angry at myself, not animals who don't reason.

So, I have begun to resume my typical activities with the dogs. Walking them, feeding them and cuddling. I find that I feel better hugging a dog than a person. Don't know what that means. Maybe because there's no empty words attached to animals, just unconditional love.

I find that writing about these emotions is most helpful. As a tribute to Naya, I'm going to make a memory book. I am keeping emails with condolences as well as cards and I'm going to put them into a scrapbook. I also am going to print out the words to meaningful poems and songs that I feel are helping me grieve.

Regrettably, I didn't take a lot of photos of her but I'll use what I have. I want to make one of those cute animal pictures with her with wings in photoshop.

The pet mortuary said they will give me a clay imprint of her little paw. I don't care for the "box" that will contain her ashes so I'm looking at little wood boxes or other urns. I want to create a little shrine to her in my bedroom. Nothing over the top like I've completely lost my gourd, but something tasteful and a proper memorial to her.

Although I had to make the decision in one of the worst moments in my life, I'm glad I chose to have her cremated. I rent, so I know I can take her with me wherever I go.