Your Pet Loss Diaries

Dec 26, 2010

by Jessica
(Pennsylvania)

I can't even believe that Christmas has come and gone and it's been almost two months since I lost you. I hung up one of your stockings with a toy in it for you, I sat it next to your cremains on Christmas day.

I still feel your presence very strongly, on Christmas day I happened to be watching a program that had someone named Mickey Williams in it, that brought a smile to my face. Christmas eve I swore I heard you outside arguing with Stewey like you two loved to do, I had to jump and check even though I know your gone, something in my mind said go and check.

It's snowing out today, and that's making me emotional. I know how much you loved to be out in the snow and play in it, you didnt get to see our first real snow fall this year. You always rolled around in it and buried your head under the snow and oh if momma didn't throw a snowball at you so you could catch it you just weren't happy! My crazy little monkey!

I still miss you so much and will every day. Momma doesnt cry as much as she did though, only every now and then. I know how much you hate when I cry, you'd lay your head on my lap and give me those beautiful eyes to tell me it's ok mom, I still love you. That was your little way of making me feel better and it worked every time.

I miss your smell, your soft fur, your voice even when you were talking back! I even miss the way your breath smelled when you were sleeping, and how you loved to head butt me awake first thing in the morning when you were ready to get up and you were sleeping with you back towards me. It took so long for me to be able to cross over to your side of the bed when I am sleeping.

I smile when I think about our memories and I watch your videos all the time, to hear you one more time. To remind myself it wasn't that long ago that you were here with me. My life, the house and my heart have an empty feeling constantly. It's easier to be home though, that it was at first. Accepting that your really gone is what momma is having the most troubles with. It doesnt feel real. I know I can't see you or touch you, but it just doesn't feel real that you are gone.

I still crimple the water bottles like you always love to do, maybe in my head thinking that your gonna come running in and grab that bottle so you can play with it, or maybe just to test myself to see if you are truly gone. It still bothers me so much that I do not know what the reason was that took you from me, I still feel a sense of guilt for not being able to save you. That was my job, to make sure you were safe and healthy and I feel I failed you in that way.

I tried so very hard to make sure you had the life you deserved, you deserved the best of everything because you were the best. You were my best friend, my companion, confidant, protector and most importantly my furry little soul mate. How do I fill that void that is left in my heart and my soul that was only meant for you. I don't think I do, and I don't want to. I will leave those special spots only for you.

Oh I've pleaded and I've begged to God for him to give you back to me, he's had you long enough. But I know you're his now and I won't have you back until that day that very day when I come to you as you came to me when you were such a little boy. I will come for you Mickey at some point when it's my time, I'm going to come running for my boy. You'll be waiting, I know you will.

Knowing we'll be together again some day gives me some comfort. Not a lot right now but it does help somewhat to ease the pain. Knowing your little sprit is still here with me is a comfort to me as well. Especially when you see me in my dreams. I love you so much, just as much as I always have more than life my angel and I miss you even more! I'll be seeing you!