Your Pet Loss Diaries

April 5, 2013

Miss Samantha ~


Day 189 . . .


How on earth am I ever going to be able to live without you? Better question: what if I can't or don't want to live without you? Do I take your brother and sister with me, so we can all finally be together again? Or do I leave them behind and you and I will wait for them?

This place I am in now is just a living death... my physical body is still here but my heart, my soul, my mind, my world is with you 24/7.

I spend so much time outside with you, the neighbors are probably wondering what I'm doing. Why I'm sitting there talking to a mound of dirt and crying. I still cry so hard for you, I sometimes throw up.

I just want my kitten back! I just want my kitten back! I just want my Sammy back!

The next person that says to me "Give it some time, time will heal the pain." I swear I am going to smack! I no longer believe those words. I have lost in the past, everyone has. 6 years ago, I lost my cat, Guido to cancer in his lower jaw ~ never thought I would be OK but "in time" it got easier. That's why I know in my heart, this time is different. my grief over you is woven into my body, it's in every fiber of my being, I have an empty feeling in my heart.

I remember how I felt whenever I suffered a loss in the past ~ at first I was devastated but it eased and I wouldn't cry as much and I eventually didn't think about them too often. But Girlie Girl, with you... it has been almost 7 months on the outside but inside: it's day 1. My pain is deep inside and right on the surface at the same time. I can't even think your name, let alone hear or say it or even type it without crying so hard I have to stop typing. Sometimes it takes me a day or two to finish these entries because I have to stop and start so much.

I realized/noticed something yesterday: having cats means having a routine. Doing the same things at the same time (more or less) everyday. Your brother, Rocco wakes me up every morning between 4 - 4:15 a.m. every morning. Sometimes, when I'm already awake, I lay in bed waiting for him to push the bedroom door open (I don't close it tight) and sure enough, just like clock work, between 4 & 4:15, I can hear him coming and boom he pushes the door open and meows... and every morning I say 'Good morning, handsome you ready for breakfast?' and he meows back.

By this time your sister, Pooh Butt is up and meowing her 'good morning' and that's where our routine is broken ~ you are supposed to be the first face I see in the morning. Your meowing is supposed to wake the other two up. I'm supposed to fed 3 cats not 2. I can't get past that part ~ I'm suppose to have 3 cats not 2...


I just want my kitten back! I just want my kitten back! I just want my Sammy back!