Your Pet Loss Diaries

Sept 4, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Dearest baby boy...

Today it is one year from the day I took you to the hospital. That morning was a Sunday. Usually I would go to church... but I was worried about you that day because you just weren't yourself. I thought you were breathing kind of fast... and you hadn't eaten much the night before. I wasn't sure what was going on... so I remember googling things and read about CHF in dogs. I thought to myself that maybe you had that... and it said a shot of lasix might help. I thought if I brought you in to a hospital they could check you out before Tuesday... give you a shot... and I could just bring you home.

I called my sister Judy... who breeds dogs and knows more than me... to come over to check you out. She did... and you seemed happy to see her. You just weren't acting sick little guy. When Judy came... you didn't bark... so your tongue wasn't blue.. like it got when you got all excited. Judy and I weren't thinking it was any emergency... but I just wasn't happy with the way you were breathing so I decided to take you in anyway.

We brought you to the hospital... and I told the doctor what I was seeing. She checked you out... did some x-rays. She came in and your lungs looked full of fluid... and something else was going on. She told me it looked like cancer. I don't remember much after that. I felt like I was disconnected from my body... and I wasn't hearing things anymore. I just remember thinking... NO.. this can't be happening.

She told me you needed to go to a hospital where they could do more... they didn't have what you needed there. Judy drove us to Cheshire. I had lost my little Oscar 13 years before ... and that was the last hospital he was at. I just didn't want to even go there. But we had no other choice baby. They did more x-rays and said the fluid wasn't in your lungs... but around the sac covering your lungs.... in the pleuril space. You needed what was called a thoracentisis... to remove the fluid. You needed to be in an oxygen cage. I signed all the papers.. told them I wanted you sedated so you'd be calm. We had NEVER been apart my baby. I had never put you in a cage.

I went to see you before we left. You were in a plexiglass cage on the floor. There was only a little hole for me to stick my hand in to pet you. You saw me and you tried to push your little head through that hole to get to me. It was heartbreaking baby. I bent down to that hole to kiss you... and you were all excited... kissing me and so desperately trying to get out. I wanted you to rest. You weren't going to do that with me there. I had to turn my back on you and leave you there. It was the worst feeling I could imagine. You must have wondered why I deserted you. Why did I just leave you there?

They had told me... if I waited until Tuesday... you would have died. I just couldn't believe what was happening. You did not act that sick. I left that day... with my heart breaking. I know yours was too. It was such a long day Ollie... and I prayed that they gave you something to help you just sleep through all of this. I couldn't stand the thought of you in that cage... trying to get out.. and trying to breathe. I knew if you were quiet... you could at least breathe.

I came home without my best friend that day... and I tried to sleep the time away myself. It hurt so much knowing you were there... and I couldn't stop thinking about how you must have felt when I left you there. Were you scared baby? You poor sweet angel. I wanted to go back to see you that night... but I did not want you to get all excited again... I wanted you to rest.

I prayed so hard that night baby. Did you know that? I tried to push my spirit out of my body... and let it go to you... so you would know I was near. I thought to myself that if you were having as hard a time as I was.... it was not good. I wished I had taken your blanket or my bathrobe to put with you... but I really did not think you'd have to stay. If I did... I'd have brought something from home... so maybe you'd have smelled your home... and you'd have felt better.

I thought to myself... that maybe they had done the procedure and you were asleep. When I called that night... they told me you were sleeping. I was hoping they had really checked... and you really were... and that way... the time would go by fast... and you'd be ok. I prayed for tomorrow to come quickly. I missed my baby boy... beside me in the bed.