Your Pet Loss Diaries

Sept 10, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Thinking again... about last year... re-living the last days you were here with me baby. Last night we sat in the parking lot of the hospital... but you seemed ok.. so home we went. But I called your vet again today... because you needed the antibiotics... you weren't eating. One of the tests came back... or so they said.. and they told me there were suspicious cells. They could not say for sure it was cancer... but they couldn't say it was not. What good was that 900 dollar test then?

That just made no sense to me at all. They had made me believe that I would have an answer as to what caused the fluid around your lungs. I did not care about the money... but I did care about the lies I was told. We had waited for nothing. They should have looked for other problems. But no... now you were getting weaker everyday.

You weren't interested in much of anything now. I took you outside... on the porch swing.. so you could breathe the fresh air and see things. Maybe you'd come around. I told you what a good boy you always were... and what a good job you had done here on earth. I told you it was ok if you had to leave. Mommy would be alright. The crows were flying above us that day Ollie... and I thought immediately... they were calling for you... and you were going to leave me.

I started to cry. I was not good company for you baby. I was too afraid. I think that sometimes I caused you to become so sad because you picked up on my fears. I'm so sorry baby boy. I tried not to show it.... but I could not stop my heart from pounding when I thought I might lose you.

Again ... on to your vet. He gave you a shot of antibiotics... and gave me enough to give it to you everyday.. for Friday... and over the weekend. I was still waiting for the culture of the fluid too. Maybe it was an infection. Your vet told us that the cells were suspicious for cancer. But I just did not believe that was what was wrong Ollie.

Took you home.. and just kept trying to make sure you got enough fluids. I was afraid you were starving to death now. Ollie... why didn't they do more? Why didn't they place a feeding tube? Why didn't they do more bloodwork? Why didn't I ask? I was no longer thinking clearly baby. I am so so sorry. In looking back... I feel I should have pushed for answers. Because of that one test saying suspicious cells.... they just did nothing for you. Yet... none of them said to put you down. So what was I supposed to do? Watch my best friend just grow weaker and weaker. That is exactly what was happening. I did not want to have to leave you alone again. If you had to go... I wanted you to be with me Ollie. I wanted to hold you in my arms.

I can't remember what I tried to feed you... but I know I had to have tried to get you to eat baby. I remember trying to feed you baby cereal... and cheese.. and pieces of ham. But no.. you wouldn't eat it. I know it is stupid Ollie... but I think to myself... if I just tried again to make you a steak... would you have eaten it? Were you just holding out for something good?

I did not want to eat myself either Ollie. I couldn't eat in front of my best friend. I used to share my meals with you. You never ever begged... just looked out of the corner of your eye. Waiting patiently... maybe hoping I'd share with you. I loved that about you baby. You were always so polite and patient. You loved little kids... you were their protector. And mine too. No one could try to hurt me... you'd put your tiny body in front of me. You were my little guard dog... yet you really did not want to hurt a soul.

My baby boy.. in looking back... and to our last days together... it is so hard. I remember thinking that I wished so much that I didn't wait until you were sick to take you outside at night on the swing. I realized only then how peaceful the night seemed... with you by my side... listening to the quiet.. the windchimes.. and the cool air.

I had always fallen asleep early... you and me... on the couch. I couldn't sleep when you were so sick... so I took you outside. I wish I had done it sooner. There are so many things I wish I had done now sweetheart. But I loved you... so very much baby... and I know that you knew it. And you loved me....