Your Pet Loss Diaries

Sept 1, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown, Ct)

Little Buddy...

It is nearing one year since I had to let you go. I am re-living every day of last year... knowing you were still with me at this time last year. What could I have done differently my sweet angel? I ask myself that question every single day. I remember the day of the hurricane... you just didn't seem yourself. Nothing much... just a little tired maybe. I didn't think much of it. In thinking back... I sometimes wonder if I was too afraid to even think there could be something wrong. I was too afraid to lose you. I saw so many little things happening... but they passed.. and so.. I didn't think you were really sick.

I had taken you to the vet just 2 weeks before... because I thought you might have a UTI. I had told him that when you became excited... your tongue looked bluish... but he said nothing. I thought he had listened to your chest just a tinier bit longer than he should have... but I didn't ask why. Did he hear something that he should have investigated further? I thought of asking him... but I thought he'd have said something if he heard something wrong. He gave you antibiotics... and a shot of prednisone for your ears. I thought that you seemed better. Your ears were clear... and no more signs of a UTI.

The night before you went to the hospital... you had gone with us in the car. You were barking at everyone who came near... and you ate chicken when we came home. You didn't eat as much as usual... but again.. I thought nothing of it. The next morning...y ou were barking.. and again I thought your tongue looked blue. I begged you to be calm... you did your job... letting me know that someone was outside. You were such a good guard dog. You always protected me... as little as you were.

I had called the vet during the week... because I just didn't like seeing your tongue getting blue when you got so excited. As long as you were quiet... you seemed just fine. But then one night you woke me up at 4 a.m. You were crying out.. and you had acted like your leg was hurting. I took you down here with me... and tried to comfort you. You hadn't done anything to your leg. It too... passed. But I called the vet... and he was on vacation and you had a Tuesday appt. Tuesday... it would be your birthday.

But on Sunday... I just didn't like how fast you were breathing. So I took you to the emergency hospital. They said you had fluid around your lungs. You had to stay. They did a thoracentisis... to drain the fluid away. They told me it might be cancer. I could not believe that. It just had to be something else. I waited for the results of the pleuril fluid. They told me there were suspicious cells... but couldn't say for sure that it was cancer.

I brought you home on Monday... and you would no longer eat. You vomited even water. Tuesday.. we went to your vet. He gave you a shot of prednisone and shot of antibiotics. You couldn't keep anything down... so I gave you the shots here. On Thursday... we were back at the emergency hospital... because of the vomiting. They gave you a shot of cerenia... and more pills to give you at home. I was giving you water.. and pedialyte by syringe. I tried giving you baby formula too. I tried to get you to eat... but you wouldn't.

Through the weekend.. I just kept giving you the fluids... and on Monday called yet another vet. Brought you in and he kept you during the day to try to see if he could find out what was going on. The first hospital called here saying they had found Psueudomonis... but didn't think it was a true infection. They thought it was contaminants introduced during the procedure... but said to give you baytril. The vet started an i.v. baytril. We picked you up on Monday night. He said to take you to yet another hospital.. because they had better equiptment there... and we could find out within 24 hours what was going on.

We brought you there. The vet said she believed it was cancer... and the kindest thing to do was to let you go. I could not believe it. I wanted them to test you for a pulmonary embolism... for cushings... for congestive heart failure... but she said it was a waste of money to do the testing. She asked if I'd put you through cancer treatment... and I said no. You hated the vet... and being in a cage. I couldn't put you through anymore.

Ollie... you didn't even act sick in front of the vet... you seemed better... but still she said that! I thought of you here at home... and how helpless and lethargic you seemed to be. You didn't even try to take out the i.v. catheter. I wish I didn't make you sleep with that collar your last night on this earth. But the vet said not to let you pull it out. They would need it the next day. If I had ever known that they would tell me to take you home... and to the vet to be put to sleep... I'd never have bothered with that stupid collar.

When we took you to the vet... that night.. you hadn't vomited.. took a tiny bit of water on your own. You barked at the people outside of the car. Should I have waited a few more days... to see if you'd have gotten better. You gave me my last kiss as the sedative started to make you woozy... and I picked you up and held you in my arms. Maybe another day or so on the I.V. baytril... would have pulled you through it. But I can't go back now baby. You are gone. I can't do it over.

Did I make a huge mistake in letting you go? I believed that God would make you better. I held you every single night and prayed harder than I ever prayed in my life. I believed in my heart He would not take you from me. And HE didn't. I am the one who made that awful decision. Would HE have finally healed you if only I kept my faith? Little Buddy... it was the worst day of my life. You KNOW all we have been through together... so you know things were not easy. If it were not for you... I wouldn't be here now. Yet.. when you needed me... I couldn't help you.

I can't forgive myself Ollie. I cry for the things you have missed... the things you will never see... or feel... because you aren't here. I love you so much Ollie... and life is not the same without you here. You were a once in a lifetime friend. I feel as if unseen hands are choking me. The pain in my heart just won't go away. So many things have changed since you left... but the biggest change is in me my baby boy. I am not the same without you.

I don't know what for sure lies beyond this world here... if anything. I pray there is much more. Life just wouldn't make any sense if this is all there is. It would be too unfair. I tell myself that there just has to be more than this... and I will see you again. To think anything else is too unbearable to me. So baby... wait for me... I will see you again. I love you now... more than yesterday... and not as much as tomorrow...