Your Pet Loss Diaries

May 13, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Little Buddy, It is Mother's Day today. I can only think of you. Wendy is lying next to me... just like you used to do. But it is not you my little buddy. I feel like some days I cannot go on. I just want it to be over so I can go to you. Every single day... I think of your beautiful face... your gorgeous eyes.... and how it all ended.

I still don't know if I did right by you. I keep thinking that somehow they could have saved you. Why did I listen to that vet... why didn't I wait a bit longer and see if you got better? I feel as if I murdered my best friend and I can't deal with it. I can't find any place that I can go to help me deal with losing you.

Baby... I keep reliving the last day of your life. It was ultimately MY decision to let you go. And baby.... I just don't know if that is how you would have wanted it to be. If you did... then you wouldn't have tried so hard to stay with me. You'd have just gone on your own... or at least that is what I think at times.

I can't smile anymore Ollie... I hate life... I don't want to wake up anymore. It just hurts too much everyday. Everyone but my sister and Jimmy.... they think I am crazy. Judy and Jimmy lost their babies too.... they understand. But everyone else.... they tell me to get over it. I just can't. I'm so afraid I will forget little things about you and I never ever want to forget a single thing about you.

I keep wondering what your last thoughts were... before you felt that sedative... did you know that I was letting you go? There was nothing that you could do.... because I made that decision for you... and I don't know if it was right. You jumped up to kiss me before it hit you. Oh my God I can't deal with that thought. Why did I let the vet give you that final shot? Why didn't I just wait and take you back home... and let you sleep it off.

Maybe you were just tired and needed the rest. You had been through so much the whole week. Why didn't I just let you rest instead of running you to every vet I could find? Maybe it was my fault that you seemed so depressed and exhausted. I should have just let you rest. You hated vets and hospitals. Did you understand baby that I only wanted to help you? I was so scared. I couldn't deal with losing you. In the end I decided I'd rather have you in my arms than alone in a cage if you had to go. I didn't want them sticking needles into you anymore.

I'm so sorry Ollie.. .I am so very truly sorry. I love you Ollie... I miss you so bad. It is 8 months since you left .... and it is no easier to deal with. Please show me baby... that you are near. I need that so much. For Mother's Day... somehow baby boy... show me. I will love you into eternity.... and pray we will be together forever and ever.... Mommy...