Your Pet Loss Diaries

June 1, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Dear baby boy...

Nearing 9 months that I lost you and it is still so new. I can't get through a day without thinking about you... and wondering if you are ok. Are you near me sweet baby? I have never taken off the necklace that holds part of your ashes. The other day... Wendy was being fresh... and I was thinking.. .what a good boy you always were. I started to cry... missing you so much. Suddenly Wendy came to me... kissing my face. I bent down to pet her... and your little urn around my neck was dangling. Usually she will try to bite at it... and I tell her "no"! I thought to myself.. if your spirit comes to me through Wendy... then she will kiss the urn. Immediately... she started to kiss your urn! She had NEVER EVER done that before. Is that a sign sweetheart? That maybe you are here?

I have had 3 dreams of you since you left me. But none of them were nice dreams. In every single one... you were lost.. and I could not find you. I woke up crying and my heart breaking. I think still of your last moments... and what you were feeling as the life left your body. And I still ask myself if I did the right thing... because as sick as you were... you still held onto life. I feel I had no right to take that from you. I feel still as if I killed my best friend. But back then Ollie... I just wanted for you to be able to rest.

I still think you had Cushings Disease... and just maybe... they could have done something to help you. I wrote again to the hospital because I still have far too many questions that are unanswered. I know I cannot bring you back to me baby boy... but I need to know what happened to you. I only wish you could have talked to me baby... and told me what you went through. I'm sick inside imagining the horrible things that were done to you. I picture you alone... wondering why I just left you... on your own... with strangers pushing needles into your little chest. It kills me inside baby... when I think maybe you believed I deserted you just when you needed me the most. I cannot stop those thoughts. I would never have left your side baby... if I was not forced to. I did not want you to have to go through anymore horrible things alone... and so... I let you go forever.

I looked through some of your pictures yesterday... and I smelled your little coats and sweaters. I looked for pieces of your fur... but you did not shed... and I found just 3 pieces of your precious fur. Who would have ever thought that finding just that tiny part of you would become so precious to me. I don't want to ever lose them... and I put them in with your picture. I felt as if I was being choked... and my heart actually hurt inside of my chest. I have had that lump in my throat constantly since you have been gone. I just don't find any beauty in life right now. I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts... because they overwhelm me.... and I keep breaking into tears.

I miss you every waking moment of my life Little Buddy. I know that if there is anything after this life... I will be with you again. But it seems so far away... even though I don't know when my time will come to leave here too. I don't ever want to forget you. I don't want my memories of you to slowly fade away. I'm so afraid of that happening. I know that my memories of Oscar.. and Fluffy... and little Hoppy... they have faded... to where I can only think of you. I don't want to forget a single thing about you. You are my special little boy.

I went to a cemetery with Judy the other day to see her father-in-law's gravesite. While I was there... we saw the grave of a little 9 year old girl. Her picture was on her stone. She was so beautiful. I could only imagine her parents pain. I thought to myself... how there HAS to be more than just than this life on earth. Why would a beautiful child be gone from this physical world so soon... while others live to see 100? If there weren't much much more.... this life would have no meaning or sense at all. As we walked along... we saw so many young people that left far too soon. A young boy... who was killed in a car crash right near Judy's house. His picture was on his stone too. A young boy... just 16. Such a handsome young man... who had so much to live for. Why did he leave so soon?

As we stood there... suddenly a shadow passed above the two of us. Both of us looked up... to see nothing there. The sky was clear. There were no birds or trees to cast a shadow like that. Yet we both felt it at the same time. It was the strangest thing. I've never experienced anything like it before. I don't know what it meant... but had the feeling that someone was letting us know that they were still here... and knew our thoughts. I just know that there has to be more than we could know. And I know that our loving friends... our beloved pets... are going to be there too when we get there ourselves.

I think sometimes... that maybe I cry for nothing... because when we meet again... in such a beautiful place... where there is no pain... or cold... or tears... I will wonder why I cried. Sometimes I think we are held captive by our imperfect bodies... and that when we are free of our physical bodies... it is only then that we are truly free. I hope this is true. I love you my sweet baby boy.... I always will.... sending my love out to you... until we can meet again in another place....

Love, Mommy