Your Pet Loss Diaries

June 16, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Dear Ollie...

It was 9 months ago that we parted on June 13, 2012. I awoke thinking about you... as I do every day sweet boy. I can't believe that so many days have gone by since that terrible day when we had to say goodbye. I still feel the last kiss that you gave me as you fell to sleep forever. I can't even believe that I let you go. I really don't know how I did that Ollie. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. You know that my life has not been easy. You were there when things were so bad. But even with all of that.... losing you was the worst of it all.

I would take all of that pain over again if only I could hold you in my arms just one more time. You made the worst days of my life bearable. You knew just how to make me feel better... and you made me feel so loved and so appreciated. You gave me so much more than I gave you. I know that I did my best to let you know how much I loved you. But I would have let you have more of what you wanted... given you more treats... even though the doctor said you were too chubby... and needed to lose a little weight. To me... you didn't eat too much. To me... you were perfect... I loved your little chubby tummy.. you had such a cute little body to cuddle up with.

I remember when you so sick... I told you what a good boy you had been... and that you had done an awesome job here on earth. I thanked you... I told you how much I loved you... and I told you that it was ok if you had to go. I told you that I would be alright Little Buddy. But I'm NOT alright sweetheart. I still can't stop crying. I again called the last vet that you went to. Of course she told me that I did the right thing in letting you go. She said she had just lost her dog... of 7 years... and his name was Oliver too. She had to make the same decision to let him go. She said that she felt like she had lost her boyfriend. I feel the same way Ollie. It is strange how she had to go through the same thing before she finally called me back to talk. I would not wish this pain on anyone... but maybe now she understands.

Of course she told me that it was the right thing to let you go... to stop your suffering. No baby... I did not ever want you to suffer to stay with me. She said that you were being strong for me. You did not want to leave me here alone. Oh GOD my sweet boy... thinking about that last week of your life just hurts so much. What did you go through... and what were you thinking? You poor sweet angel... you did not deserve for it to end that way. I prayed that you would live to a ripe old age... and peacefully fall asleep when your time came. It was not to be.

When you passed Ollie... I was just so numb. I did not cry at first... I don't even remember if I told you again how much I loved you.. or kissed you. I DO remember thinking that we both said our goodbyes while you were still here. I talked to you many many times in that last week of your life. I really felt at that time.... that your little spirit had passed right through me at the time your beautiful heart stopped beating. I felt this overwhelmimg sense of peace go through me. I remember thinking how you finally looked at peace. You were at rest.

My mind would not let me accept that this was final. It is crazy what your mind can do. But as the days went by... the pain started to set in. And baby... it just won't stop. I miss you so much. I remember so many times you'd bark and bark non-stop.... when you saw someone or something go by. I would tell you to stop! Oh baby... I would give anything to hear you again. You will ALWAYS be my special little boy. I hope that wherever you are baby... that you know how much mommy loves you. Please be by my side if you can sweeheart... my little butterbean. I love you... and I can't wait to be with you again ... wait for me....