Your Pet Loss Diaries

Feb 8, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Hello again my angel.

Tomorrow is my birthday. How can I enjoy my day without you here with me? I miss you so much my "Little Buddy"... how can I be happy when you aren't here with me? You are always with me in my mind... but I want to feel you... hold you.. kiss you one more time.

I can't stop thinking of your last moments here on earth. The vet had given you the needle to sedate you... and you jumped up... and you kissed me before it took you over. I said out loud.... My Last Kiss. The vet just said... "Oh, how cute." My heart was breaking. I was praying that he would say he could help you to get better.

I picked you up and held you close to me. I thought that you were sleeping. The vet bent down and started the injection. I wanted to tell him... no... please stop. But I knew you were so tired... and so sick. I wanted you to rest. You seemed like you couldn't rest... and I wasn't thinking clearly anymore. I felt a sudden sense of peace... and I knew you were gone.

I did not cry at first. I just kept thinking that you were at peace. I know now that it was my body's way of surviving .... I was in total denial of the truth. I was not thinking then that you would be gone forever. I just wanted you to stop hurting. OH GOD Baby... why did this happen. I should have seen the signs. Maybe if I had watched closer... seen the first signs... somehow someone could have helped you. But you had just been to the vet... and he saw nothing... so why am I doing this to myself?

I keep torturing myself Ollie... and I don't know why. It's been almost 5 months and everyday I am still saying... "if only." I just know that nothing is the same without you. My days seem so long. I go through the motions of living... but I am not living. My mind can only think of you. I hold your urn close to my heart. I try to see your little face smiling. I almost thought that I saw you the other day... but it had to be just the way my hair moved. I really thought that for a second... you were there. Wendy and Ziggy were outside... because for a second I thought it was one of them... then realized they were on the deck. Oh.. I hope so much it was really you.

Someday my angel... I will know or not know what becomes of our spirit when we leave our earthly bodies. I still believe that there has to be so much more than just this. I love you Little Buddy.... please let me feel your presence around me tomorrow.... somehow... some way. I'll be looking for you....