Your Pet Loss Diaries

Dec 27, 2011

by Dayle
(Watertown)

I'm back again baby boy. Christmas came and went... and I am so glad it is over. I thought of you... how last year... I remember taking a picture Christmas morning... and the dawn was pink... you were right here with me...and life was good.

I begged Our Lord for a sign that you were near... the only thing I could have wished for this Christmas Day... but the sign did not come. Why? I try hard to be the person God wants me to be... yet I feel He does not answer me. I just need so much to know you are okay... that you are not just gone.

I found out that Jimmy's dog... Bandit.. has cancer now... and does not have much time left. They just lost Lady 3 months before I lost you Ollie. First Lady... then you... now Bandit. I find some peace in thinking maybe you are all together. But why is this happening... we all love you so much... and you've been taken from us.

I read today that God takes something away... but gives us something better... but there is NOTHING.... absolutely NOTHING that could be better than you. It made me angry to even read such a thing. I am still angry at GOD... at the vet that said to let you go... at all the vets that seemed to do nothing for you. Why didn't they just try to get you to eat?

I never knew for sure what was wrong with you Ollie... you could not tell me. I will go to my grave wondering what it was that made you so sick. I still wish I had just ignored that vet... and had more tests done... to find out for absolute certain what was wrong. But sweetheart... I was so scared that you were suffering and I was being selfish by keeping you here. But I don't know if you somehow could have been saved.

I tried to email the vet several times... asking what she saw... that made her say that... but she refuses to answer me now. I hate her for that because she could have brought me some peace if she would have answered me. I hope that she will never tell another pet parent to let their baby go.... without doing everything possible to get an answer before doing what I did. I keep asking ... WHY WHY WHY?

Oh GOD Ollie... It is 3 and 1/2 months and I can't stop crying. I can't stand getting up in the morning... because it still hits me that you are not here with me. I knew that someday I would have to let you go.... but not this soon. It seems so unfair. I just don't understand what happened so fast... you seemed fine just a week before. Ollie... I love you so much... please baby boy... find me... let me know you are around.

I light your little blue tree every night... I hope you somehow know it is for you. Your picture is right by my side... you seem to look at me everywhere I go. Mommy misses you... I can't wait for the day I get to hold you again.... wait for me sweetheart.... but please try to find Lady.... and when it is Bandit's time... please help him in. He is going to be there soon....

Love you angel baby....

Mommy