Your Pet Loss Diaries

April 8, 2012

by Dayle
(Watertown)

Dearest baby boy...

It is Easter today. My first without you. I stopped counting the days Baby Boy... it really doesn't matter... because I'm hoping that time as I know it.. doesn't exist where you are. I see how quickly it goes... life I mean. I keep asking why you had only 10 short years here... and Ollie... I so much wish I had it to do over again. I would have taken you for more walks... let you run free.. found a better vet... so I'd have known when you were getting sick. I wonder if another vet would have seen the signs... that something wasn't right... and maybe... just maybe... we'd still be together now.

I Ollie.. I still don't want to be here without you. I think that there are times your spirit comes through Wendy. I say to her... give me an "Ollie kiss"... and she kisses me just like you. I sometimes see you in her eyes. I am praying that it is really you. I will find out when my time comes... maybe we suffer for no real reason... maybe you really are here. I know that I think sometimes I feel you here.

I am so much dreading summertime Ollie. Me and you... we didn't like the heat. We are so much alike sweetie.... I just know that you are my soulmate... so much a part of me. I want to have you with me... I was thinking of getting a tattoo of your beautiful face... and having your ashes mixed into the ink so you would be with me forever. But to open your urn.. .and look inside would kill me. I just can't do it baby boy. Someday... our remains will be mixed together... and we will be one.

I dreamed of you my sweet boy. It was a terrible dream. I was walking at night in the snow.... looking for you. There were a lot of dogs that looked like you.... but I couldn't find you. You were lost... and I couldn't find you. I hope you are not lost baby. I want you to be happy. I love you with my entire heart and soul Ollie. I can't stand the thought that you might be lost.

I want to be with you. I don't know why I am here Ollie... and you had to go. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I am doing things I have never tried before baby... trying to find you. I look at sites that show you how to connect with our beloved family that have crossed over. I try to find you all the time. There have been signs Ollie... but I always think it is just coincidence. But they say it is not.

I miss you every minute of everyday. I can't even listen to music anymore Ollie... and commercials of when you were here with me... they make me just lose it and start to cry. I go into a store... hear a song that reminds me of you... and I break down in tears. I have to leave. I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore Ollie. I can't seem to be happy anymore sweet baby. Life is just too hard without you here with me. I don't know what to do. I can't let anyone see me cry. So... I cry when I am alone... and I talk to you. Can you hear me baby?

Oh My God.... Ollie ... are you here right now? Wendy just jumped on the back of the couch... and is covering me with kisses. She won't leave me alone! I was just writing on here.... and she suddenly just jumped up here... for no reason. Maybe it is YOU? It was just SO strange that she did that out of nowhere!!! Oh baby... if that was YOU... thank you so much. It just HAD to be you... I have to believe that. There was no reason for her to just come from the other side of the room and do that. Ollie... thank you... part of me believes it MUST be you. You will always be my special boy... my little soulmate.... I love you forever..... Mommy...