Your Pet Loss Diaries

Jan 1, 2011

by Cori Ludemann
(Ohio)

There's a huge hole where part of me used to be. I can't stop thinking about him, the walks we went on, the way he used to flip his rope in the air and then race off with it. I feel like a large part of me is missing. It seems like the best part of me is gone and I can't help but wonder if that hole will ever be filled or if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life feeling like only half a person.

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if it hadn't happened so quickly. The signs of old age have been showing up for a year or so, but they were so easy to explain away as something else. When he started limping, it was just Buddy T-Boning him in the yard. Not being able to go for long walks was that he was just out of shape. The growing aggression was just territorial. Then the day came when he tried to bite me, he had never done that and I thought he never would. 3 days later he did it again.

I started noticing that he couldn't get around as easily and seemed very tired all the time. I knew it was time. He was ready, but I still am not ready to let him go. The need to wrap my arms around his big neck is almost a physical ache sometimes. There's a constant lump in my throat and an ache in my chest. People say it gets easier with time. It's not the raw pain it was a few days ago, but I have to wonder if this ache will ever go away.

I'm thinking about going back to fostering dogs again, maybe that will fill the emptiness inside of me. Willy loved the puppies that I fostered and somehow I think he would approve.