Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Benji & Cinnamon'

Hard Days

Feb 10, 2011

Dearest Cinnamon,

Today was a hard one. I'm not even sure which stage of grieving I'm in any more. Some days, I just feel so numb. And others... I just feel so angry. But today, was harder than both the numb days and the angry days. I knew it was going to be harder as soon as Meepster played a game of "Peek-A-Boo" just like you used to do. I didn't have to teach you how, you just knew. Remember how you made a habit of it? Whenever you wanted attention but I was busy, you would sneak your way between my knees and look up at me with those soft, sweet eyes... and I would just have to smile.

Today, Meepster did that. I was making breakfast, trying to get ready for class, and he just wanted attention. Though he'd never done it before while you were still with us, this morning, he got between my knees, poked his head out, and looked up at me with those sweet eyes and I couldn't help but remember you. I know he didn't mean to make me cry, and I know how confused he must have been, but I couldn't help it. The tears came.

Later, when I was outside taking out the trash, I found a clump of hair that you'd blown back in the beginning of Winter. I picked it up and held it for what must have been five minutes. I just wanted to remember how your fur felt, I wanted to remember how it felt to pet you. And when I finally went back inside to put another bag in the trash can, I stopped at your spot and just stared at it. Remember? The spot you always occupied in the kitchen. It looked so empty. Felt so empty. It still does.

I've been thinking a lot about Chance, too. Remember how before he passed away, he was the dog you other dogs looked up to? You all seemed to respect him the way a child should respect his father. Then, he passed away, and our order temporarily fell apart. It didn't take long, though, for you to take his place. The others seemed to develop a certain respect for you. They miss you just as much as I do. Have you seen Chance where you are? Let him know that we miss him, too.