Your Pet Loss Diaries

Sep 24, 2011

by Benji

Dearest Cinnamon,

I think this stage is called acceptance. It still hurts sometimes and I still cry for you sometimes but now, sometimes, late at night I'll find a picture of you or an old toy that I forgot you had and despite crying, there will be a smile on my face. Because I remember that at one point, you were here with me. You were beside me, head on my lap, staring up at me with your beautiful eyes.

Sweeney has become more my mothers dog than my own but that's okay. I still love him and the fact that I'm capable of loving him has helped me reach this bittersweet stage called acceptance. It was scary at first. In the beginning, the first time I thought "I can do this. I can get through this," I felt guilty. I don't so much any more. I know now that you'd want me to feel better. You left this world too soon and that will always linger on my mind. I think I will always wonder how it happened and why. But now, now I know that I did everything I could for you and that by being there for you in your final minutes, I showed you just how far the bond between dog and human can go. Even though it hurt to see you like that, I didn't want to leave your side because I wanted you to know that I loved you and that I always would.

Now, when I talk about you, it's not just about your passing. When Meepster was shedding and his seasonal coat was coming in, I recalled how badly you shed no matter how often we brushed you when the seasons were changing. I'll mention all the little things you used to do and though it hurts, I know that being able to do that is a good thing. It's a good thing. I've come so far, Cinnamon. It's been a rough year and I'm sure that it will be rough come January, when I know it's been exactly a year. But I'm learning to swim through my grief. I'm getting there. I don't know where "there" is yet, but I'm getting there. I loved you Cinnamon, and I still do. You took a piece of me the day you left this world but that's okay, because you left a piece of yourself with me.

I guess this will be my last entry for a while, Cinnamon. Don't think that means I don't still think of you because I do. But that means that I've reached the acceptance stage of my grieving. Things may or may not be good from here, only time will tell. I'll still talk to you. I stand at your grave at least once a month to do so. I'll be back here every once in a while. Probably once at Christmas, and at your one year mark. But for now, this is it. I've reached it. I've swam through my grief and sometimes, it was hard. But I'm reaching the final stage and I know, deep down, that it is a good thing.